What about Intuitive Eating?

I'd planned to spend a good part of my journal talking about how intuitive eating is naturally working into my life with diabetes - and it is. Everything I've learned over the last few years has brought me to the decisions I'm able to make daily. Hopefully as the routine of caring for my diabetes becomes, well more routine, I'll be able to explore more intuitive eating thoughts. For right now, I'm determined to master that one tiny drop of blood actually making it onto the test strip and being read by my meter!

And back to the beginning again

Ugh. I had one day where I was able to capture the drop of blood on my meter and feel like there was hope! Then this morning I did a fasting one - stuck myself on the outside of my ring finger - got blood that more ran than formed a drop - and then got an error on my machine because there was insufficient blood. I was sweating by time I realized I'd have to prick myself again - and squeeze and milk and squeeze and bruise the other side of my finger. Really, for just ONE drop of blood. And then of course the high fasting reading of 134. I'm still not clear whether I'm supposed to be hitting these "targets" now or whether it's something that takes time. I saw someone's post on dlife.com that listed her fasting blood glucose numbers from start to now with her A1C's. That gave me hope because her initial ones were 154 and now they're in the 80's. No meds - though it's looking like that might be my course.

I'm trying to lean INTO God through the valleys. I'll admit it's hard though and I can see why depression dogs diabetics. I'm watching my carbs, eating healthier (who knew I'd love crunchy kale!) and exercising every day. You'd think that would translate into better health. Not really. But then again, John's been marathon running for two decades and is scheduled to check out his chest pounding with an angiogram next Thursday! I try to remind myself that I'm only in control of a small portion of this disease - God is ultimately in control and I don't believe He's in heaven wringing His hands over my wacky numbers! If nothing else, Lord let this soften my heart towards you as I crawl into my Abba daddy's lap and cry.

Small successes

Last night I was reading through the diabetes' boards and found a post by Alan about painless pricking. I need all the help I can get so read on. Beyond the warm water, hand dangling below my heart for 10-15 seconds, he also reminded his readers to press the lancet firmly against the skin and don't flinch! I may have not been getting the lancet in far enough to get enough blood. We'll see tomorrow. I also read Abbott's site and had the reminder not to try to scrape the blood in, but to just put the strip next to the drop of blood and let it suck the drop in like a sponge. (Might I have missed that when I was about to pass out even reading the instructions?!?!) With a little prayer and a "it's you and me God" - I pressed the lancet release, put my arm down while I got the strip ready, and low and behold - the meter took off. Now the reading after breakfast was 166 - but at least I didn't have to poke and prod and bruise myself to get blood. I'll keep praying that tomorrow is as successful and that God shows me places I need to change my food intake to bring my numbers down.

One day at a time, one prayer at a time. Lord thank you for the peace you give me - even when my numbers are not where they need to be.

Hitting the Wall

Living with a marathon runner, I'm familiar with the term "hitting the wall" in a marathon. The point where your body and will gives out and you don't think you can go on. Today after I tested my blood glucose after breakfast, and it registered 175 again, I hit the wall. I had the pity party response of "why bother!" I'm watching my carbs, walking or working out every day and testing. It doesn't seem to be paying off. When I walked around the grocery store, this was the first time that I noticed all the things I CAN'T have anymore. Whoas me.

I've hit the wall and it's up to me whether I stay there or put my hand in the Lord's and keep trusting. It's hard today.

Don't stress

I wrote my CDE yesterday asking if she had any helpful hints that would help me not stress over not getting enough blood for my meter - and she basically told me not to stress about it. Hmm, that was helpful. Wish I knew HOW to do that. Week 2 begins - still with my period and still with higher numbers.

On a good note, I treated myself to a massage yesterday with Anna. She definitely has the gift of touch - it was probably one of the best massages I've had. After having had ones that I'd consider very "new age" - it was so nice to have Anna saying blessings and pray over me. It was definitely a treat and very nice for my weary, pin-pricked body.

Frustrated still

It's officially been 1 week since I started testing my blood glucose and 38 days since I've been walking everyday and counting carbs. You'd never know that from looking at my blood glucose records though. Honestly! You'd think I'd been sitting on the couch and eating bon-bons. I can see why people would do that - this is really frustrating!!

Last night I did a two hour postprandial after dinner - had walked earlier - and my dinner had lots of healthy carbs and was even under the number I am allowed. Instead of under 140 - it was 166! Then this morning, my fasting was 122! That's what I was diagnosed at before I made lifestyle changes. Depressing! I wrote to my CDE at the hospital to see if she had any insight - or thoughts on having my period and squeezing my fingers to try to get blood out. Ugh.

Today is chilly but sunny and I'm reminded once again that even though the circumstances may not be what I like, it's still a day to rejoice and praise my Lord and King. I'll be putting in a worship CD as I drive down to get my massage - my reward for keep on keeping on!

The roller coaster

The first solo stick I did was okay - shaky - but okay. Since then they haven't gone so smoothly. Now I know that tomorrow will only be a week since I've been sticking myself, but it's still frustrating to be watching my carbs, walking or exercising everyday and have readings that are high! Yesterday my fasting level was 135 - hellllllooooo! I also started my period so I won't know for a while what my pattern is during my period - it's all about gathering information. Or at least that's what I'm told. Maybe it's about trusting that God is still in control even when everything feels so out of control - or at least out of my control.

Yesterday I saw the live telecast of the Beth Moore book "So Long Insecurity" - it was definitely what I needed to hear from God. My identity is secure in Christ - and not tied to having diabetes or an eating disorder or anything else.

Time to go plan lunch and look at where I want to spend my carbs - for me part of how I translate Intuitive Eating into a life long learning path that intersects with diabetes and an abundant life in Christ.

Hmm, I feel like my life has a cross of Thin Within, Geneen Roth, Intuitive Eating, Food and Feelings and numerous American Diabetes books!

One day at a time with your help, Lord.

Emotional meltdowns

Today has been a "yikes" kind of morning so far! I was scheduled to do my blood sugar 2 hours after breakfast so ate, went for a walk and tested my sugar. It was 175! I about had a coronary - well maybe I did as I was pretty upset!

Now intellectually I know that the only way I can tell how foods are affecting me is by testing and tweaking, and the fact that I couldn't get enough blood and started to panic probably didn't help, and that exercise may or may not in the short term raise BG levels - but really, intellectually didn't make an ounce of difference when I saw that number this morning. Especially when I went for my very first stick at the CDE and it was 95. I was totally not prepared for how that would effect my mood, etc. even though I'd read about it.

I was nutso enough that I even voluntarily tested myself again after another hour just to make sure it had gone down and it was at 132. The nurse had said there was a learning curve at the beginning and that things like stress, my period coming, sickness, etc. would likely change things - and that sometimes I'd never know what brought on a high reading but to keep going and track the trends so that if it continues high I or the doctor could make changes.

But really, really - I was still shocked (though I didn't think I would be ;) My first thought was "but wait, I haven't cheated, I've been measuring things - what's up with that?!" So I had my first emotional meltdown after a reading - I'm sure it won't be my last. Tomorrow I do another fasting and then the next day I do another post-prandial after a different meal.

I went back and looked at my commitment to the process rather than a specific outcome (okay, now I get why we needed to actually write that down ;) that I wrote down from the "Healthy Lifestyles" book in the front of my meal planning log.

God is still in control and as I'm reminded of often, I need to change what I can and leave the rest in God's hands since all I can do is all I can do right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day - and hopefully each day will put me more at ease with actually sticking myself and testing so that won't factor in too much.

There's so much to learn that I still have no idea!

First Solo Stick

Yesterday I saw the nurse certified diabetes educator (CDE) at HPH. She was nice, matter of fact and compassionate to a point. Though I supposed if she was sympathizing with me, I might not have ever actually stuck myself. Yes, she was the one in charge of teaching me how to monitor my blood glucose. We did it first thing so I wouldn't be stressed the whole time - a good idea. She had me use the Freestyle meter since it takes the least amount of blood and the Multiclix lancet system since it has the needles in a drum - with the least amount of tearing of the skin. I'm thinking that's a very good thing! She walked me through it and other than getting clammy, turning purple and shaky - I did it.

Before I went in yesterday I was praying in the car while the radio was on. How much more direct answer to prayer was the song that came on by Phil Wickham called "Safe."

Verse:
To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Verse 2:
Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
http://www.elyricsworld.com/safe_lyrics_phil_wickham.html
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

If you get the opportunity to listen on YouTube or Itunes - DO! What an awesome reminder that I am indeed safe in God's arms.

Today I was on my own and needed to find the strength and courage to perform my blood glucose before breakfast. I listened to "Safe" on my I-pod while sticking myself, a reminder of God's love and care for me. Knowing people were praying for me helped. So while I was shaky, I did it and moved on. It also helped to be able to see where I was aiming the blood for the strip - which is in the hole on the side and not the top black circles! That wasn't made really clear.

Yesterday's other milestone was I've reached 30 days counting carbs. That's a huge milestone for me! I'm treating myself to a massage as a healthy reward.

While it's easy to get caught up in the daily fluctuations of numbers, I just can't go there. Something else I need to leave in the Lord's hands. As my friend said, I need to worry about what I can change and let God take care of the rest.

God has a plan

I saw my nutritional therapist yesterday and we were joking around that maybe I should write a book about Intuitive Eating for Christ Followers with Diabetes now that I've been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I laughed. As I was driving home I kept thinking - and maybe it was some prompting going on - yea, maybe I should. If nothing else, this will be about the journey that *I* follow.