End of the year reflections

It's hard to believe that it's almost the end of 2010 and will soon be 2011.  In fact, I can't wait to write 1/1/11 - I'm easily pleased!  I missed writing about Thanksgiving and Christmas and am moving on to the new year.  I continue to learn about intuitive eating, living with diabetes, moving outside and enjoying it.  I've found in the cold weather that walking outside with waterproof boots, a good winter coat and ski pants are a huge help.  Thinking about the intentions for the new year.  I'll post when I've decided.

It's November!

Somehow October is already over and it's November!  There's even talk of snow sometime next week.  I'm SO not ready for winter.

As I was writing a note to my nutritional therapist last week, I realized just how far I've come in my Intuitive Eating thinking and doing.  Now that I go to the IE group on Wednesday nights, where most people are just starting down the path of IE - I realize that my distorted thinking has changed little by little.  There was no monumental change - just small changes adding up and almost 40 pounds lost.  That totally amazes me.

One of the things that I've discovered more and more is my ability to lean into God and not my own understanding.  He continues to walk this path with me and I'm forever changed and thankful.  He IS faithful!

Where did this month go?

I looked to see if I posted anything in October for this blog - and I hadn't!  Where did the month go?

Yesterday I went to John's work to get my flu shot - nice little benefit - and waited with Sean as he got his shot.  Another woman came down to the health center to get a flu shot and didn't have an appointment so they were suggesting when she could come back.  She had her little blackberry and checked to see that she had a meeting at this time, would need it later - then left.  Probably 2 minute conversation tops.  However the way it hit me - HARD - was difficult.  It was the first time in probably 15 years or so that I realized other people are perceived more important, have a life different than the  one I chose.  Now I know intellectually that I have an awesome life, I'm so fortunate that I'm able to stay home, go for a picnic, hit the park, etc.  I KNOW that.  But yet, yesterday I was definitely feeling sad and left out and a 2nd class citizen - all my own feelings.

Last night I went to my Intuitive eating class - and there were actually three of us!!  The group is growing which is wonderful.  I also realized how far I've come - that each choice while not the defining moment - have brought me closer to being an intuitive eater.  I've lost almost 40 pounds since the start of my journey, I'm exercising on a consistent basis (I've logged 65 miles since mid-September via my Nike GPS on the iphone.) and am at a different place than I was 6 months ago, and definitely at a different place than I was 2 years ago.  And that's happened more and more by the little small choices I've made along the way - with Christ walking along side of me - renewing my mind and creating me new each day.

I didn't go to the movement part of class last night - which was hard.  I don't sleep well when I get home that late and have been exercising but also missed meeting the new person and extending my personal time.  Everything is a choice of balance - and as Andy Stanley says you have to choose where and what part of your life you cheat.  Not easy.  I refuse to cheat God anymore.

Going with the flow

I'm SO not a go with the flow kind of person.  I totally am not and I get cranky and whiny and feel very much like a bad Christian.  Ugh.

Radiant

I took Ryan for his novice speech camp today.  I saw the speech teacher - that Ryan had for debate last year - and she told me I looked "radiant."  I didn't know what to say.  Of course my first thought was what do I look like normally and couldn't just accept the compliment but then I have to say I just enjoyed that little sliver.  Radiant - cool.

Keep on keepin' on

I have now surpassed the number of blog entries that I had in my old blog "from the inside out" and I'm at 48 for this blog.  I hope that means that I will be able to continue to Keep on, keepin' on as I integrate intuitive eating (or mindful eating) along with my diabetes.  It's a lesson in continuing to believe that God can use everything, He is faithful and leaning on Him - not my own understanding.

Happy Labor Day - a good day to kick back and enjoy the last part of summer and the promise of cooler weather for the fall.

Indy...one last time

We're down in Indy for one last time before Bob moves to Arlington Heights Monday.  We've helped him pack and get ready for the movers.  It was a fun, fairly mellow time beyond the work of actually packing.  He didn't have too many things and had already visited Goodwill quite a bit so that helped.  It'll be nice to have him local again but I'll miss my little vacation spot.  Yes, I'm lame.

Went to Famous Dave's bar-b-que and ate half the bun on a beef sandwich.  Yummy.  I didn't get home in time to test at 2 hours but at 2.5 my blood sugar was 107 so I'm starting to more and more find what works for me in new situations.

The fun thing was Bob gave us his old iphone.  While we can't use it as an iphone - we can as a touch.  YEA!  Ipod glucose buddy here I come :)

Fall weather

All last week we had weather in the 90s plus high humidity!  Today it's 70s with a cool breeze.  God, you are AWESOME!  Yesterday church featured Henry Cloud and relationships/intimacy.  WOW, WOW!  So much of what I'm learning in counseling at 48 - but at least I'm learning.

I find myself being at the same weight I've been at for the last 5 weeks or so.  Ugh.  I'm not sure if I'm eating too much or what, but I need to look at whether I need to make changes again.  I'm at a place where I feel like I've already given up so much - can I do more?  I did find my blood sugar this morning to be 135 fasting today - I've had trouble getting blood out after a stick so don't know if that's it or something else.

Lazy days of summer

Today is 8/9/10 and it's hitting me that soon it will be the start of the busy fall semester and time to let go of the freer schedule for summer.  Not sure what that's going to look like for my walks and for diabetes control.  One day at a time and continuing to learn how to trust God and let go of control (or what I perceive as control!)  I'd like cooler weather but I pray that fall will hit first and not winter!!  Would be nice to take another mini-vacation before the schedule heats up as well.  Things are tight money wise - spending lots of out of pocket on school, counselors, diabetes supplies, doctor co-pays, etc!  Hope next year is a little less eventful that way.

Summer Hikes

Just got back from another hike, today at Heron Creek.  Hot, sweaty but a nice breeze in some places.  I definitely feel better walking almost every day but wish my overall blood sugars were changing.  I keep plugging away.  Not quite as confident what next A1C will be though.

Is my blog obsolete?

Yesterday I had my second "Living Well with Diabetes" class at StayFit.  We talked about carb counting - I always learn something new.  The woman who was taking it with me gave me some fabulous bean recipes!  Can't wait to try them - they look yummy.  Hope she actually writes a book someday.

One of the good things that I got was the link to Michelle May, M.D.'s blog about diabetes and mindful eating.  Wonder if that means mine now is obsolete.  Only thing I know if my experience and my walk with Christ is unique - and that's all I know.

I've been experimenting with bedtime snacks to see if I can get my fasting blood sugar level down.  I've tried the Extend bars - and today my fasting number was 106 - that's the lowest it's been in a long time.  Guess time will tell how much is hormonal and how much might be affected by evening snacks.

Today is my therapist visit.

Ashley's Home!

Ashley got home from Kenya today!!!  We sure did miss her so it's nice to have her home.  Always seems there's choices involved - missed the debate party but got to catch up with her.  She had an awesome time, but there was some weirdness with the other students.  Joy and sorrow....life.

Change is in the air

Found out today that John's company has merged or been bought out (depending on who you listen to) and change is in the air.  What that means for security, insurance and other having a job is unknown at this point.  It's easy to praise God when things are stable, can I still say God is in control when things aren't.  That's always the question.


I was reading one of the Yada Yada Prayer Group books and one of the themes of this book is God rearranging my comfort zone - "imagine the possibilities..."  Good thing to hang onto.  Leaning INTO God and not into my own understanding.

Water sounds

I wanted to see if I could upload a picture - so what better than one of water!  This was taken up in Racine of Lake Michigan - right by the zoo. I was listening to my music with waves crashing in the background so guess this fit.

Saturday and not the fun week planned

Ashley is still in Kenya, haven't heard from her yet but one of the other college students actually texts her mom each day to fill her in. That's been helpful in terms of what to pray.

Sean has had the stomach flu since Tuesday - right after our breakfast out to celebrate our "fun week" with Ashley being gone. Sure didn't turn out that way. Sean hasn't gone more than 12 hours without puking since Tuesday - until today. I'm praying that we've turned a corner.

Yesterday I asked John to come home a little early from work so that I could still meet with Rosemary - I was going through withdrawl! I needed someone who could talk IE, carbs, diabetes and balance all in one conversation. I really do thank God for her almost daily - especially when I read what poor care others have had to endure when they saw their doctors for a diagnosis of diabetes. She also gave me another book to check out and a list of word that were really helpful to reflect on - the difference between healthy words and restrictive words in regards to eating. Shows the changes God is working in me - slow, slow, slow but there are definite changes. Thank you Lord!

Did go to see my therapist as well and we talked about doing a little more EMDR as there seems to still be stuff left with my fear of blood. Not looking forward to doing it, but would like to be rid of that too.

Found the very relaxing music at the therapist a good background noise at home so put it on my computer - and my ipod. Makes for nice prayer walks around the neighborhood.

Praying that next week might be more "fun" filled and less "illness" filled. Thanking God for our relatively good health!

Kenya

I dropped Ashley off at VCB so that the team could ride together to the airport and then depart for Kenya!! It didn't really hit me until driving home without her how far away she'll be. I know she's the safest if she's in the middle of God's will but still going to miss her. I thought about what I would have done before - come home and snacked my way through the cabinet missing her. Today I've checked diabetes boards, read, watched HGTV and will be walking later. Still miss her - but I'm learning to lean INTO God rather than food. Still a very slow process.

Bloodwork

Today I had an 8am appointment for my first fasting, A1C since my diagnosis with diabetes. It also gave me a chance to see if the EMDR had any effect. I started getting nervous on the way to the doctor - clammy hands and sick stomach. I also wondered - am I supposed to like it? Seems weird to me. The actual test was fine - I actually focused on the "waves" coming in and going out like I was at the beach and remember thinking, "why isn't she talking?" "It's awfully quiet" but just kept deep breathing. After she used something like an ace bandage to keep compression on the gauze so I wouldn't bruise - that actually was not super comfortable so I feel better now that I took it off. We'll see what the actual results are. My home fasting number was 124 this morning - even after I walked. We'll see what the lab says. I will say that after all this work the last 100 or so days, I'll be upset if my A1C doesn't go down. But then again, this is one weird rollercoaster of a ride disease!

One funny thing. I was listening to WMBI on the way to the doctor's and when I got there had a few minutes before I needed to go in. I flipped over to the music of K-Love and they were in the middle of the song "You are safe" by Phil Wickham. Same exact one that was on before I went for my CDE appointment and learned how to prick myself. God speaks thru song to me alot!

The first 100 days

Here's some random thoughts as I am now at 102 days into counting my carbs and exploring what life looks like with diabetes for me....

I've been recording carbs now for 102 days and have learned some things along the way - with a lot more to learn! Some random thoughts are.....

• That sticks do get better farther down the road are better - thanks for the prayers! I've learned some of the daily tricks like staging the strip in the meter but not pushing it in all the way until I stick myself so the time isn't ticking down, holding my finger down while I'm messing with the meter's strip so it has time to form a drop, making sure I approach the drop at an angle with the strip, knowing about the size of drop I need - and thanking God for each perfect one!
• Testing myself in pairs yields more clear information. For example testing myself pre-meal and then 2 hours pp lets me know about how much a rise there is so a 40 point rise or less is good - though a higher number pp could be because the fasting number was higher and not as much by the food always.
• It's annoying that strips - and different lots in strips - can vary as much as 20%. That just doesn't seem right when I have to poke myself, I want actual information and this seems like a rough approximation! It does help me step back and just look more for the trends - which is easier the more numbers you have.
• That walking - or other exercise - helps blunt spikes but I can't do it after every meal (once a day is about it!) so how does that translate to my A1C I wonder.
• That walking around the mall and realizing that I'll never be able to eat a huge Cinnabon with abandon (I could eat it and watch my numbers soar but that's not what I'm talking about!) is depressing.
• That eating 3 Dove promises for 15 carbs and sucking on them so they last can be very satisfying.
• That food choices really do make a difference with how much my blood sugar goes up - and a lot of time I have control over that.
• That my period, teeth being pulled, infections, etc can add up to blood sugar changes and there's not much control I have over that.
• That sometimes no matter how careful my choices were at a meal, that blood sugar numbers can just be wacky (one book blames it on the Blood Glucose fairy - dysfunctional relative of the tooth fairy!)
• That there's a lot of unknowns about what causes complications, and a lot of guilt out there about every number over (fill in the blank depending on who is talking) causing irreversible harm.
• That like so many things, this is a lifelong journey and numbers that have been high don't come down in a week (or two or three)
• That fasting numbers (that originally seemed to be just fine) are often the most stubborn to budge
• That a whole host of words I never knew or cared about - such a liver dump, neuropathy, control solution, etc. are now part of my daily lingo.
• YMMV (your mileage may vary) - which just about sums up everything!
• God is STILL and forever in control and works all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Toy Story 3 without popcorn

Yesterday we saw Toy Story 3 and I realized my life had changed. I could have had popcorn if I wanted to but would have had to count it in my carbs - no more eating a large bowl of popcorn, nachos or candy just because I wanted to. That makes me sad. I can see why I didn't lose weight. It's slow and not very exciting - and I can't do it the way I want to. I still have to exercise and eat less - whatever that less looks like. Right now it looks like less carbohydrates and more walking. I see a difference, I just don't know if the trade off of not eating what I want, when I want and how much I want was really worth it.

My fasting numbers have been in the 126 range lately. That's so weird to me because before I even started watching my food intake, my fasting was 102. That just doesn't make sense to me - but then alot about diabetes doesn't seem to make sense!

Typhoid

We have the live virus of Typhoid in our refrigerator for Ashley's upcoming trip to Kenya. Yikes! Never read the inserts for medicine that come with the package - I swear I'd hide under my bed and do nothing if I thought of ALL the what ifs that might happen. I know she's getting excited and nervous - all normal emotions I think.

Today I delve into the emotional realm once again with Sharon and EMDR. I don't look forward to it but it seems like grief - the only way is through it - you can't go around them. At least if I want any opportunity to leave a healthy life and the one God intended me to have.

Father's Day 2010

Happy Father's Day! We went to church and enjoyed worshiping together - and hearing Mike Singletary (dad of 7!), seeing dad old time cars and some of us enjoyed hot dogs and ice cream. Since it was only 10:30am and my snack time rather than my lunch time - that would not be me - I waited until I got home but hot dogs aren't on my biggy list either. I do miss my own dad - this will be the 4th year without him and it makes me sad.

Tonight we're doing salmon on the grill will sweet potato fries and broccoli - not my favorite meal but at least healthy. May do angel food cake with fruit for dessert which always reminds me of summer.

It's hot and humid - I need to walk but my toe is still sore from the shaving cream can fell on it and sliced it. Now that I'm diabetic I'm paranoid about my feet - like they got the diagnosis and decided to rebel! I need to take the bandaids off and check to make sure there's no infection but yucko.

Saw my brother and mom yesterday which was a nice visit. Seeing that he's had diabetes for 7 years already, he's a great resource for things like should I worry about sticking myself in different places (the answer is yes ;) I'm at 91 days and still have lots to learn.

Log book 2 - the second 90 days

Today I ended my first log book of carbs with day #90. 3 months. Isn't that the amount of time to make something a habit? I also tested my blood before dinner and it was 95 - awesome. Then went to test it 2 hours after to see what that number would be - and I couldn't get blood for anything. I first tested on the outer-side of my ring finger. Not even a full drop no matter what I did. Then I tested on the inner part of my ring finger where I almost always get enough - and no way. I tried everything and it was just runny and a smear - then an error. UGH. You'd think after testing for a while, I wouldn't still have that issue. Guess it keeps me humble and remembering that I'm not in control. In fact my EMDR session today focused on finding a phrase that felt right and fit with what I want to feel when I have my bloodtest instead of helpless. That would be "I'm ok just the way I am." It's an interesting process and once again learning to lean into the Lord rather than controlling it.

Evidence of God's power and majesty today was the HUGE storm that rolled in while I was coming out of Costco. It looked like a tornado blowing in, and by time it passed and I was able to head home - stoplights were out, limbs down, and generally a mess. Right now more are rolling in.

What if your best....

Another song that really speaks to me these days comes from FFH and is just beautiful. You can hear it at their website. The words go like this....

What If Your Best

Jeromy Deibler and Mia Fieldes

I'm trying hard to keep from falling off this wheel

Trying hard to keep so still

As you’re shaping, and remaking

Something new is bound to surface

Something bound to bring you fame

Something sure to make you great

Something you can use

But I am only clay and clay doesn't get to choose

I want your best but what if your best is brokenness

Would I be broken?

I want your best but what if less than what I ask

And what I'm hoping?

What if your best is here in the waiting, here in the going thru the motions?

I'll still be trusting all I am, and all have, and nothing less to Potter's hands

I'm trying hard to keep from giving you advice

It’s like teaching Shakespeare how to write

Or Monet, the way to paint another scene

But there's just something in this amateur that thinks

That my opinion's what you need

On how to work in me

But I am only clay, and clay probably shouldn't speak

Chorus

Take my life and let it be consecrated just to thee

Take my voice and let me sing for you my King

Take my moments and my days and let them flow in ceaseless praise

For You always, for You

Chorus

Only here for you to mould, I'm holding on, because I belong in Potter's hands

New Spring (ASCAP) / Schnickelfritz Music Publishing (ASCAP). All rights for the world on behalf of Schnickelfritz Music Publishing administered by New Spring. / Mia Fieldes/Shout! Publishing (adm in the US & Canada)

Potato Salad

Yummo. My hubby made a wonderful meal of potato salad and oven fried chicken from his runner's magazine (low fat but high carbs!) It was very good but I was worried about the spike on my blood glucose so we took a walk - and I only had one helping of what I hoped was the right portions. My two hour postprandial was only 100! That's after having what I often have at lunch - a sandwich with lite bread and some berries and it was 154! This diabetes stuff is so weird - and very much a lesson about leaning into God and not on my own understanding.

I was satisfied after dinner even though I didn't have as much as I would have normally had. Wondering how to work things on Sunday when we have the Greek-Roman simulation end party which usually has large dishes of pasta and some salads and lots of desserts. This is tough!

It's not the mom - it's the gym teacher!

I had my EMDR therapy appointment yesterday which was very interesting. We joke that in therapy, just blame everything on the mom. In fact my mom is a little touchy about it. Well, during my session it turns out it isn't all the mom - it's the gym teacher from elementary school! Who would have guessed? Turns out that my gym teacher, beyond being emotionally abusive was also the person who was standing over me when I fainted in the 5th grade cattle call of MMR shots. Very interesting. I'd picked the word/feeling "helpless" as what I felt when I got a blood test and now I can actually see how it fits. Hmm.

I need to make Ashley's appointment for the travel medicine place so that she can get her typhoid shot. Add to that her polio (recurring in Africa), Hep A and B, and taking Malaria pills - there's alot of foreign substances in her body right now!

Healthy Choice Chocolate popsicles are my new favorite dessert - very yummy and satisfying. I keep trying to find what I can eat that is satisfying to my soul as well - it's the only way that intuitive eating is still working - well beyond supernatural help from God that is! No way have I ever been able to stay with making healthy choices for my body this long without His help.

Home Sweet Home and Doctor visits

Home is always nice to come back to, though vacation was really, really nice! It's been hard to get back into the swing of not being able to walk all the time and having cooler weather so that I want to! This week we also started back to the doctor visits - today was Ashley's to get her Malaria pills for Kenya, tomorrow is my EMDR with the counselor and next Monday is John's follow up to the angiogram. Looks like not only an expensive year but a doctor filled one!

I took my pair of glucose monitorings before breakfast and after to see how things were going. It's a good thing since the difference was only 40 points - which is fine - but the postprandial number was 154. Had I not known my fasting was higher at 114, I'd really be bummed as I'm not below 140. But who do you listen to? Some sources say below 180, some say 140 and some say 110 if you really want control. Fasting seems to be under 100 or under 120 or 130. Make up your mind people!!

I've been listening to FFH alot since vacation - I love their new songs. I seem to really "hear" God through song, and creation - and his word! Read the latest Yada, Yada House of Hope book over vacation. Love that series!

Door County Vacation

We decided to take a small vacation to Door County since we couldn't find the time for a trip out west this year. Give me water and time to read on a porch in an adirondack chair - and I'm good! Give me the best cherry pie in Door County - and I'm even better! Sure wish I didn't have to travel with a glucose meter as well, but oh well, cherry pie is worth it. With the beautifully cool weather and all the walking we're doing, my levels have been good - except the 195 after a whole piece of cherry pie! Still worth it :) I've been trying to watch my carbs that don't satisfy me as much and enjoy the ones I do have. Even found at the Sister Bay coffee shop a latte that I could add Stevia to and really enjoy! Mostly I've found making the iced tea on our little deck to be enough, but the latte was a nice little treat - and only had to count the milk they added.

So far we've hit Sister Bay (where we're staying), Ephraim, Fish Creek (pronounced Crik) and Washington Island - which was basically closed! Still a wonderful time - especially the bay that consisted only of polished rocks - no sand. I could have stayed there all day just enjoying the beauty of God's creation!

Undone

Seems like at time of crisis or change in my life, certain songs stand out as God's way to speak to me - besides specific verses in the Bible. One song, is "Safe in His Arms" by Phil Wickham which I already posted. One that's increasingly becoming words I hang on is by FFH called "Undone."

Undone

Jeromy Deibler, Mia Fields

Open up wide, swallow down deep

No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet

The cancer inside stealing my sleep

Night after night it keeps haunting me

The secrets I keep

Are tearing me up inside I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger

I don’t need to be the hero tonight

We all want love we all want honor

Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride

I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied

I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes

You don’t need tears for alibis

It’s true what they say Love must be blind

It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight

I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

Chorus

New Spring (ASCAP) / Schnickelfritz Music Publishing (ASCAP). All rights for the world on behalf of Schnickelfritz Music Publishing administered by New Spring. / Mia Fieldes/Shout! Publishing (adm in the US & Canada)

Progress - for today

Well it may not last, but I'll take it for today! I did a pre-dinner stick and my blood glucose was 105 (took me two sticks too which hasn't happened in a while) and my 2 hour post prandial number was 129. Not bad - I'll celebrate and thank God! I don't know if it was the hour walk this morning with friends at Nippersink Forest Preserve or what, but I guess just like I have to take the high numbers, I'll enjoy the lower ones too.

Today Sean and I were at Costco stocking up on paper towels and toilet paper. I forgot Fridays were sample day and they had both brownies AND cheesecake - so not fair! I try to focus on what I can have, but still, it's hard. It wasn't until I got up to the counter and realized that as I unpacked my cart, it was full of things like salmon, broccoli, stevia, grapes, and these amazing Healthy Choice chocolate ice cream bars! Yummo. Now 69 days ago, you bet that cheesecake would be in my cart so for that I'm also thanking God that He is doing a new thing in my heart - and body.

The Deck is Ready

Just finished putting out the solar fountain, replanting the herbs in pots on the deck and getting the umbrella ready to shade my reading spot. I'm ready! Now if it just cooled down from 91 degrees!

I've actually been sticking myself 2 times in the same day - my kids think I'm nuts! I'm trying to get information on what will lower my blood glucose levels without meds so I've been taking a fasting reading and then two hours after breakfast since those seem to be some of the higher numbers. One day the 2 hr. post prandial was 222 - raising 75 points from the fasting - that's nuts! So the last couple of days, I've done eggs and bacon/sausage along with one piece of Ezekial bread to see how that would affect my numbers. They are much better, more like a 25 point gain rather than 75. I'm hoping that I don't end up going really low carb in the morning. I'm going to try to add in more carbs the next day to see what the difference is, then move to before and after dinner. My next highest numbers.

Next week we're heading to Door County for a mini-vacation. I CAN'T WAIT!! I'm so in need of a vacation. I want time to just hang outside and read, walk to Piggly Wiggly and sit by the lakes. Whatever else we do that the kids enjoy is just a plus - spending down time with my family is such a wonderful treat!

Had my EMDR pre-session with the counselor yesterday. She worked on setting up my happy place - guess what - it's by water! No surprises there. Then next week I'm supposed to actually work through imagining a blood test or IV - sounds like fun. Speaking of which, went to the dentist today for Ryan and found out when they pulled my tooth they cracked the filling in a tooth (hopefully not the actual tooth! What a year!

Last night I spent alot of time going thru all the EOBs, dental payments and flex so I could sort out who'd been paid and who hadn't. Man, if I knew this was going to be the medical year it turned out to be, I would have organized everything sooner!

As I contemplate Intuitive Eating and what that looks like for me these days, I may take Geneen Roth's new book on vacation. Lots to assimilate this year.

Thursdays

What is it about Thursdays that it seems the most common day for me to post. Maybe just the wind down of the week. Yesterday we spent a beautiful spring day enjoying Lake Geneva and walking around the town. I could definitely see me living there..

Sticks are going better, I'd say 3 our of 4 times I can get a good drop without stressing too much about it. It will be interesting to see if my A1C matches the numbers I'm getting on my meter. I'm getting my tooth pulled today and hoping that once the infection is gone - my numbers will be better. We'll see.

I continue to learn to not lean on my own understanding of diabetes or the situation, but to trust God and lean on Him. I have to learn that one over and over!

Wild Ride

Finally was successful getting a drop of blood 4 days in a row! Have just had a 222 reading, yesterday was 103. Great number but have no idea why yesterday was okay and the day before so high. When I first read through the Diabetes books, the radical spikes and the emotions that go with them registered at a head level. Now they register at a heart level! It really is worse than a scale.

Yes! Today is number 5 in a row getting a blood drop :) Bad news is after breakfast the number was 190 - looks like no more Frap.

I heard that there really is going to be an Advanced IE class later this summer or in the fall. I can't wait!!

Celebrating with Ashley that her semester is finally over and summer begins - even though it's really chilly and rainy today. Sleeping in is on the agenda.

Midweek

Looking over my last posts, I can see that I skipped reporting that my last postprandial test was 222 - a new all time record! This is so weird. I have been able to get blood the last 3 days in a row - will I make it 4 today? This disease continues to teach me alot - and much of it revolves around me not being in control of much about it.

I have noticed that my gum is starting to balloon up again and it's time to have the tooth pulled. Don't know if that is actually what's affecting my blood sugar levels, but it could. At least it will be one more thing to rule out. I continue to eat the correct number of carbs so eventually I'll either need to adjust that down or make some other changes if I continue to run high. My walking is going well - who knew that the eating portion and walking would be the easiest to control at this point!

Today is Ashley's last finals of the semester. I'm praying she feels God's peace and strength amidst the storms. We are indeed safe in His arms.

Mondays

Another week is on the horizon, and after last week, I'm glad for another opportunity that's not medical laden. This week has the Debate barbque, meeting with Rosemary, and helping out at Simulation Better than dentists.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I was surprised by John attending church with us, though Ashley went to Village. I'm starting to get glimpses of that time where the children have their own lives and we'll be empty nesters. Of course with Sean only 6 years old, it will be a while - but still.

I really wanted to take a walk for mother's day but no one wanted to go with so I ended up at Fort Sheridan by myself. Maybe that's what God intended anyway because it was a beautiful day and time to talk to and connect with God as I walked amid the beautiful homes on the old base as well as on the sand by Lake Michigan. Sitting on a flat rock down by the water, warmed by the sun and reading my book was just the balm my soul needed.

I ended the day with crab legs and fresh fruit - yum! I even got one good drop of blood :) Of course, the number after dinner was 181 - but I'll take it. One day at a time, leaning into my Lord.

Hungry

Oh, and I forgot. As I was laying in bed this morning waiting to get up and do my fasting blood glucose, my stomach rumbled. Big time. It's been a long time since I remember actually feeling hungry and knowing it. The blessings of Intuitive Eating :)

A rough few days

Wow, I feel emotionally drained. Perhaps it was the "medical" week of dentists, doctors, John's angiogram at the hospital, more dentists - or perhaps just the emotional outburst at my doctors. For whatever the reason, I feel beat up.

John's angiogram is over - for now. They found an 80% blockage on one small artery and 40% on the other. They were too small to stent or bypass so they're going to treat him aggressively with meds. Makes me wonder with his marathon background, what someone who's a sedentary, overweight mom's heart might look like. Can't go there.

I've tried getting a hold of a counselor - Gaye suggeseted someone in her office. Nothing yet - maybe she's on vacation. If I don't hear anything from her, I'll try someone else. Didn't get a drop of blood out the last two days, so I was determined to get one out today. I did, but not with out squeezing and prodding. So, don't know if it's accurate but at least I got a sample. This really shouldn't be this hard!!

Emotional Meltdown - Doctor edition

I had my one month doctor appointment to go over my glucose levels today. I was worried after not being able to get blood out for the last couple of weeks, that she'd want to put me on drugs with the higher readings.

The first thing she asked me was how it was going. That was it. And that's when I lost it. Whether it was the built up frustration of not being able to get a decent blood drop, whether it was finally the difficulty of managing diabetes caught up, John's angiogram tomorrow or a combination - I started crying and didn't stop the whole time. My makeup was pretty much off by time I left!

Answer to getting a blood drop? See a cognitive behavioral therapist. I knew I needed help - just didn't know how much ;) Guess it's on my t0-do list after John's test.

195

Are you kidding me?! What, besides stress, caused a 195 reading after breakfast?? It took me two tries to get a drop of blood and then up came the reading. If I wasn't stressed and depressed before, I sure am now. What did Paul say about being content in ALL circumstances?? I have so much to learn!

Why is one drop SOOOO hard??

Really, how can one drop of blood cause me such angst on a daily basis! It should be getting easier and yet it seems I don't have a problem one day and the next three I can't get enough blood to save my life. I poked my middle finger and got one little smear and then it truly looked like it dried up after that! I ended up poking myself again on my ring finger - shaking my fingers, trying to milk them - bruised and then my number was 166. Double ugh. I do not want to see what Dr. Baker has to say. I've already decided not to go on meds right now. She's not likely to agree with that.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Trust - trust that God really is able and that He's faithful as I lean into Him.

Mud, mush and Mosquitos

Today's sermon was on Restful Sabaths. I'm looking forward to reading the book and incorporating some of the ideas into my Sundays. One of the ideas was to enjoy creation with a walk. Since I've been taking daily walks, that sounded wonderful. I thought about going to Fort Sheridan - walking by the lake would be awesome. Instead one of my sons suggested Ryerson Woods to look at the ravines. I thought I remembered a nice trail along the river so I was game. Unfortunately they've re-worked the trails and we had no idea where the old ones by the river were. We got on one but most of it was grass - or in a lot of places thick mud - mushing through my new $110 running shoes while fighting off loads of mosquitos. Not the relaxing walk I envisioned on my Sabath. In fact it reminded me of an old Andy Griffith show where they went to church, heard about resting on the Sabath and then spent the whole day fixing an old bandshell - definitely not relaxing. Guess you'd have to remember it with me.

Tonight I have my 2 hr. post prandial stick after dinner. I know people are praying - really God I only need one good drop.

Well I may be muddy but after all that walking, I'm also hungry. Time to find what might be worth the carbs and satisfying.

It's the weekend and a new month

May 1st - truly, where did this year go already! I've decided in my diabetes care that not only do I need to lean on God ever increasingly, but I need to continue to develop my support system and prayer partners. I've recruited several people for the next couple of weeks to pray for just one good drop - and that I will feel God's peace around the procedure I need to do each day. I'm not even looking at what the numbers are, just that I'm able to have the courage and peace to perform a good test so that I can gather data. This morning was a fasting test and it went better than it normally does - with a reading of 131. Tomorrow is another day - God and me in the bathroom with a lancet and test strips!

Yesterday I also weighed myself - which I really hadn't been doing at all for the last two years as I explored the Intuitive Eating concepts. Now with the diagnosis of diabetes, everyone is concerned with my weight - and specifically that it starts to decline and help my insulin resistance. So, I've pulled out my scale again and weigh myself every 2 weeks or so. This time it was down, the exercise and watching my carbs shows me that my body truly is resistant to all the carbs. Of course having daily Starbuck's White Chocolate mochas (venti of course) at 84g of carbs, may not have helped either my weight or blood glucose levels. Sure were yummy though! It's funny though, I've done alot of work on letting go of the concept that the scale judges who I am. You'd think that would translate to the glucose meter. It hasn't.

It's a new month - actually one month since I've received the diagnosis of diabetes officially. I've learned alot, I've had over 40 days where I've been watching my carbs and a couple of weeks where I've been poking myself and *trying* to get blood glucose readings. Time to take stock and continue to find my "new normal" and the path God wants me to follow. I know He has a plan for me and my life, a plan to prosper and not to harm me. Diabetes is a detour in learning about where I thought God was leading me, so time to find the road markers as we forge the new path together.

What about Intuitive Eating?

I'd planned to spend a good part of my journal talking about how intuitive eating is naturally working into my life with diabetes - and it is. Everything I've learned over the last few years has brought me to the decisions I'm able to make daily. Hopefully as the routine of caring for my diabetes becomes, well more routine, I'll be able to explore more intuitive eating thoughts. For right now, I'm determined to master that one tiny drop of blood actually making it onto the test strip and being read by my meter!

And back to the beginning again

Ugh. I had one day where I was able to capture the drop of blood on my meter and feel like there was hope! Then this morning I did a fasting one - stuck myself on the outside of my ring finger - got blood that more ran than formed a drop - and then got an error on my machine because there was insufficient blood. I was sweating by time I realized I'd have to prick myself again - and squeeze and milk and squeeze and bruise the other side of my finger. Really, for just ONE drop of blood. And then of course the high fasting reading of 134. I'm still not clear whether I'm supposed to be hitting these "targets" now or whether it's something that takes time. I saw someone's post on dlife.com that listed her fasting blood glucose numbers from start to now with her A1C's. That gave me hope because her initial ones were 154 and now they're in the 80's. No meds - though it's looking like that might be my course.

I'm trying to lean INTO God through the valleys. I'll admit it's hard though and I can see why depression dogs diabetics. I'm watching my carbs, eating healthier (who knew I'd love crunchy kale!) and exercising every day. You'd think that would translate into better health. Not really. But then again, John's been marathon running for two decades and is scheduled to check out his chest pounding with an angiogram next Thursday! I try to remind myself that I'm only in control of a small portion of this disease - God is ultimately in control and I don't believe He's in heaven wringing His hands over my wacky numbers! If nothing else, Lord let this soften my heart towards you as I crawl into my Abba daddy's lap and cry.

Small successes

Last night I was reading through the diabetes' boards and found a post by Alan about painless pricking. I need all the help I can get so read on. Beyond the warm water, hand dangling below my heart for 10-15 seconds, he also reminded his readers to press the lancet firmly against the skin and don't flinch! I may have not been getting the lancet in far enough to get enough blood. We'll see tomorrow. I also read Abbott's site and had the reminder not to try to scrape the blood in, but to just put the strip next to the drop of blood and let it suck the drop in like a sponge. (Might I have missed that when I was about to pass out even reading the instructions?!?!) With a little prayer and a "it's you and me God" - I pressed the lancet release, put my arm down while I got the strip ready, and low and behold - the meter took off. Now the reading after breakfast was 166 - but at least I didn't have to poke and prod and bruise myself to get blood. I'll keep praying that tomorrow is as successful and that God shows me places I need to change my food intake to bring my numbers down.

One day at a time, one prayer at a time. Lord thank you for the peace you give me - even when my numbers are not where they need to be.

Hitting the Wall

Living with a marathon runner, I'm familiar with the term "hitting the wall" in a marathon. The point where your body and will gives out and you don't think you can go on. Today after I tested my blood glucose after breakfast, and it registered 175 again, I hit the wall. I had the pity party response of "why bother!" I'm watching my carbs, walking or working out every day and testing. It doesn't seem to be paying off. When I walked around the grocery store, this was the first time that I noticed all the things I CAN'T have anymore. Whoas me.

I've hit the wall and it's up to me whether I stay there or put my hand in the Lord's and keep trusting. It's hard today.

Don't stress

I wrote my CDE yesterday asking if she had any helpful hints that would help me not stress over not getting enough blood for my meter - and she basically told me not to stress about it. Hmm, that was helpful. Wish I knew HOW to do that. Week 2 begins - still with my period and still with higher numbers.

On a good note, I treated myself to a massage yesterday with Anna. She definitely has the gift of touch - it was probably one of the best massages I've had. After having had ones that I'd consider very "new age" - it was so nice to have Anna saying blessings and pray over me. It was definitely a treat and very nice for my weary, pin-pricked body.

Frustrated still

It's officially been 1 week since I started testing my blood glucose and 38 days since I've been walking everyday and counting carbs. You'd never know that from looking at my blood glucose records though. Honestly! You'd think I'd been sitting on the couch and eating bon-bons. I can see why people would do that - this is really frustrating!!

Last night I did a two hour postprandial after dinner - had walked earlier - and my dinner had lots of healthy carbs and was even under the number I am allowed. Instead of under 140 - it was 166! Then this morning, my fasting was 122! That's what I was diagnosed at before I made lifestyle changes. Depressing! I wrote to my CDE at the hospital to see if she had any insight - or thoughts on having my period and squeezing my fingers to try to get blood out. Ugh.

Today is chilly but sunny and I'm reminded once again that even though the circumstances may not be what I like, it's still a day to rejoice and praise my Lord and King. I'll be putting in a worship CD as I drive down to get my massage - my reward for keep on keeping on!

The roller coaster

The first solo stick I did was okay - shaky - but okay. Since then they haven't gone so smoothly. Now I know that tomorrow will only be a week since I've been sticking myself, but it's still frustrating to be watching my carbs, walking or exercising everyday and have readings that are high! Yesterday my fasting level was 135 - hellllllooooo! I also started my period so I won't know for a while what my pattern is during my period - it's all about gathering information. Or at least that's what I'm told. Maybe it's about trusting that God is still in control even when everything feels so out of control - or at least out of my control.

Yesterday I saw the live telecast of the Beth Moore book "So Long Insecurity" - it was definitely what I needed to hear from God. My identity is secure in Christ - and not tied to having diabetes or an eating disorder or anything else.

Time to go plan lunch and look at where I want to spend my carbs - for me part of how I translate Intuitive Eating into a life long learning path that intersects with diabetes and an abundant life in Christ.

Hmm, I feel like my life has a cross of Thin Within, Geneen Roth, Intuitive Eating, Food and Feelings and numerous American Diabetes books!

One day at a time with your help, Lord.

Emotional meltdowns

Today has been a "yikes" kind of morning so far! I was scheduled to do my blood sugar 2 hours after breakfast so ate, went for a walk and tested my sugar. It was 175! I about had a coronary - well maybe I did as I was pretty upset!

Now intellectually I know that the only way I can tell how foods are affecting me is by testing and tweaking, and the fact that I couldn't get enough blood and started to panic probably didn't help, and that exercise may or may not in the short term raise BG levels - but really, intellectually didn't make an ounce of difference when I saw that number this morning. Especially when I went for my very first stick at the CDE and it was 95. I was totally not prepared for how that would effect my mood, etc. even though I'd read about it.

I was nutso enough that I even voluntarily tested myself again after another hour just to make sure it had gone down and it was at 132. The nurse had said there was a learning curve at the beginning and that things like stress, my period coming, sickness, etc. would likely change things - and that sometimes I'd never know what brought on a high reading but to keep going and track the trends so that if it continues high I or the doctor could make changes.

But really, really - I was still shocked (though I didn't think I would be ;) My first thought was "but wait, I haven't cheated, I've been measuring things - what's up with that?!" So I had my first emotional meltdown after a reading - I'm sure it won't be my last. Tomorrow I do another fasting and then the next day I do another post-prandial after a different meal.

I went back and looked at my commitment to the process rather than a specific outcome (okay, now I get why we needed to actually write that down ;) that I wrote down from the "Healthy Lifestyles" book in the front of my meal planning log.

God is still in control and as I'm reminded of often, I need to change what I can and leave the rest in God's hands since all I can do is all I can do right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day - and hopefully each day will put me more at ease with actually sticking myself and testing so that won't factor in too much.

There's so much to learn that I still have no idea!

First Solo Stick

Yesterday I saw the nurse certified diabetes educator (CDE) at HPH. She was nice, matter of fact and compassionate to a point. Though I supposed if she was sympathizing with me, I might not have ever actually stuck myself. Yes, she was the one in charge of teaching me how to monitor my blood glucose. We did it first thing so I wouldn't be stressed the whole time - a good idea. She had me use the Freestyle meter since it takes the least amount of blood and the Multiclix lancet system since it has the needles in a drum - with the least amount of tearing of the skin. I'm thinking that's a very good thing! She walked me through it and other than getting clammy, turning purple and shaky - I did it.

Before I went in yesterday I was praying in the car while the radio was on. How much more direct answer to prayer was the song that came on by Phil Wickham called "Safe."

Verse:
To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Verse 2:
Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
http://www.elyricsworld.com/safe_lyrics_phil_wickham.html
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

If you get the opportunity to listen on YouTube or Itunes - DO! What an awesome reminder that I am indeed safe in God's arms.

Today I was on my own and needed to find the strength and courage to perform my blood glucose before breakfast. I listened to "Safe" on my I-pod while sticking myself, a reminder of God's love and care for me. Knowing people were praying for me helped. So while I was shaky, I did it and moved on. It also helped to be able to see where I was aiming the blood for the strip - which is in the hole on the side and not the top black circles! That wasn't made really clear.

Yesterday's other milestone was I've reached 30 days counting carbs. That's a huge milestone for me! I'm treating myself to a massage as a healthy reward.

While it's easy to get caught up in the daily fluctuations of numbers, I just can't go there. Something else I need to leave in the Lord's hands. As my friend said, I need to worry about what I can change and let God take care of the rest.

God has a plan

I saw my nutritional therapist yesterday and we were joking around that maybe I should write a book about Intuitive Eating for Christ Followers with Diabetes now that I've been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I laughed. As I was driving home I kept thinking - and maybe it was some prompting going on - yea, maybe I should. If nothing else, this will be about the journey that *I* follow.