Undone

Seems like at time of crisis or change in my life, certain songs stand out as God's way to speak to me - besides specific verses in the Bible. One song, is "Safe in His Arms" by Phil Wickham which I already posted. One that's increasingly becoming words I hang on is by FFH called "Undone."

Undone

Jeromy Deibler, Mia Fields

Open up wide, swallow down deep

No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet

The cancer inside stealing my sleep

Night after night it keeps haunting me

The secrets I keep

Are tearing me up inside I try to hide and then I wonder why

Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

Come undone, surrender is stronger

I don’t need to be the hero tonight

We all want love we all want honor

Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride

I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied

I’m asking please, but I can see in your eyes

You don’t need tears for alibis

It’s true what they say Love must be blind

It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side

You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left you bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight

I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

Chorus

New Spring (ASCAP) / Schnickelfritz Music Publishing (ASCAP). All rights for the world on behalf of Schnickelfritz Music Publishing administered by New Spring. / Mia Fieldes/Shout! Publishing (adm in the US & Canada)

Progress - for today

Well it may not last, but I'll take it for today! I did a pre-dinner stick and my blood glucose was 105 (took me two sticks too which hasn't happened in a while) and my 2 hour post prandial number was 129. Not bad - I'll celebrate and thank God! I don't know if it was the hour walk this morning with friends at Nippersink Forest Preserve or what, but I guess just like I have to take the high numbers, I'll enjoy the lower ones too.

Today Sean and I were at Costco stocking up on paper towels and toilet paper. I forgot Fridays were sample day and they had both brownies AND cheesecake - so not fair! I try to focus on what I can have, but still, it's hard. It wasn't until I got up to the counter and realized that as I unpacked my cart, it was full of things like salmon, broccoli, stevia, grapes, and these amazing Healthy Choice chocolate ice cream bars! Yummo. Now 69 days ago, you bet that cheesecake would be in my cart so for that I'm also thanking God that He is doing a new thing in my heart - and body.

The Deck is Ready

Just finished putting out the solar fountain, replanting the herbs in pots on the deck and getting the umbrella ready to shade my reading spot. I'm ready! Now if it just cooled down from 91 degrees!

I've actually been sticking myself 2 times in the same day - my kids think I'm nuts! I'm trying to get information on what will lower my blood glucose levels without meds so I've been taking a fasting reading and then two hours after breakfast since those seem to be some of the higher numbers. One day the 2 hr. post prandial was 222 - raising 75 points from the fasting - that's nuts! So the last couple of days, I've done eggs and bacon/sausage along with one piece of Ezekial bread to see how that would affect my numbers. They are much better, more like a 25 point gain rather than 75. I'm hoping that I don't end up going really low carb in the morning. I'm going to try to add in more carbs the next day to see what the difference is, then move to before and after dinner. My next highest numbers.

Next week we're heading to Door County for a mini-vacation. I CAN'T WAIT!! I'm so in need of a vacation. I want time to just hang outside and read, walk to Piggly Wiggly and sit by the lakes. Whatever else we do that the kids enjoy is just a plus - spending down time with my family is such a wonderful treat!

Had my EMDR pre-session with the counselor yesterday. She worked on setting up my happy place - guess what - it's by water! No surprises there. Then next week I'm supposed to actually work through imagining a blood test or IV - sounds like fun. Speaking of which, went to the dentist today for Ryan and found out when they pulled my tooth they cracked the filling in a tooth (hopefully not the actual tooth! What a year!

Last night I spent alot of time going thru all the EOBs, dental payments and flex so I could sort out who'd been paid and who hadn't. Man, if I knew this was going to be the medical year it turned out to be, I would have organized everything sooner!

As I contemplate Intuitive Eating and what that looks like for me these days, I may take Geneen Roth's new book on vacation. Lots to assimilate this year.

Thursdays

What is it about Thursdays that it seems the most common day for me to post. Maybe just the wind down of the week. Yesterday we spent a beautiful spring day enjoying Lake Geneva and walking around the town. I could definitely see me living there..

Sticks are going better, I'd say 3 our of 4 times I can get a good drop without stressing too much about it. It will be interesting to see if my A1C matches the numbers I'm getting on my meter. I'm getting my tooth pulled today and hoping that once the infection is gone - my numbers will be better. We'll see.

I continue to learn to not lean on my own understanding of diabetes or the situation, but to trust God and lean on Him. I have to learn that one over and over!

Wild Ride

Finally was successful getting a drop of blood 4 days in a row! Have just had a 222 reading, yesterday was 103. Great number but have no idea why yesterday was okay and the day before so high. When I first read through the Diabetes books, the radical spikes and the emotions that go with them registered at a head level. Now they register at a heart level! It really is worse than a scale.

Yes! Today is number 5 in a row getting a blood drop :) Bad news is after breakfast the number was 190 - looks like no more Frap.

I heard that there really is going to be an Advanced IE class later this summer or in the fall. I can't wait!!

Celebrating with Ashley that her semester is finally over and summer begins - even though it's really chilly and rainy today. Sleeping in is on the agenda.

Midweek

Looking over my last posts, I can see that I skipped reporting that my last postprandial test was 222 - a new all time record! This is so weird. I have been able to get blood the last 3 days in a row - will I make it 4 today? This disease continues to teach me alot - and much of it revolves around me not being in control of much about it.

I have noticed that my gum is starting to balloon up again and it's time to have the tooth pulled. Don't know if that is actually what's affecting my blood sugar levels, but it could. At least it will be one more thing to rule out. I continue to eat the correct number of carbs so eventually I'll either need to adjust that down or make some other changes if I continue to run high. My walking is going well - who knew that the eating portion and walking would be the easiest to control at this point!

Today is Ashley's last finals of the semester. I'm praying she feels God's peace and strength amidst the storms. We are indeed safe in His arms.

Mondays

Another week is on the horizon, and after last week, I'm glad for another opportunity that's not medical laden. This week has the Debate barbque, meeting with Rosemary, and helping out at Simulation Better than dentists.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I was surprised by John attending church with us, though Ashley went to Village. I'm starting to get glimpses of that time where the children have their own lives and we'll be empty nesters. Of course with Sean only 6 years old, it will be a while - but still.

I really wanted to take a walk for mother's day but no one wanted to go with so I ended up at Fort Sheridan by myself. Maybe that's what God intended anyway because it was a beautiful day and time to talk to and connect with God as I walked amid the beautiful homes on the old base as well as on the sand by Lake Michigan. Sitting on a flat rock down by the water, warmed by the sun and reading my book was just the balm my soul needed.

I ended the day with crab legs and fresh fruit - yum! I even got one good drop of blood :) Of course, the number after dinner was 181 - but I'll take it. One day at a time, leaning into my Lord.

Hungry

Oh, and I forgot. As I was laying in bed this morning waiting to get up and do my fasting blood glucose, my stomach rumbled. Big time. It's been a long time since I remember actually feeling hungry and knowing it. The blessings of Intuitive Eating :)

A rough few days

Wow, I feel emotionally drained. Perhaps it was the "medical" week of dentists, doctors, John's angiogram at the hospital, more dentists - or perhaps just the emotional outburst at my doctors. For whatever the reason, I feel beat up.

John's angiogram is over - for now. They found an 80% blockage on one small artery and 40% on the other. They were too small to stent or bypass so they're going to treat him aggressively with meds. Makes me wonder with his marathon background, what someone who's a sedentary, overweight mom's heart might look like. Can't go there.

I've tried getting a hold of a counselor - Gaye suggeseted someone in her office. Nothing yet - maybe she's on vacation. If I don't hear anything from her, I'll try someone else. Didn't get a drop of blood out the last two days, so I was determined to get one out today. I did, but not with out squeezing and prodding. So, don't know if it's accurate but at least I got a sample. This really shouldn't be this hard!!

Emotional Meltdown - Doctor edition

I had my one month doctor appointment to go over my glucose levels today. I was worried after not being able to get blood out for the last couple of weeks, that she'd want to put me on drugs with the higher readings.

The first thing she asked me was how it was going. That was it. And that's when I lost it. Whether it was the built up frustration of not being able to get a decent blood drop, whether it was finally the difficulty of managing diabetes caught up, John's angiogram tomorrow or a combination - I started crying and didn't stop the whole time. My makeup was pretty much off by time I left!

Answer to getting a blood drop? See a cognitive behavioral therapist. I knew I needed help - just didn't know how much ;) Guess it's on my t0-do list after John's test.

195

Are you kidding me?! What, besides stress, caused a 195 reading after breakfast?? It took me two tries to get a drop of blood and then up came the reading. If I wasn't stressed and depressed before, I sure am now. What did Paul say about being content in ALL circumstances?? I have so much to learn!

Why is one drop SOOOO hard??

Really, how can one drop of blood cause me such angst on a daily basis! It should be getting easier and yet it seems I don't have a problem one day and the next three I can't get enough blood to save my life. I poked my middle finger and got one little smear and then it truly looked like it dried up after that! I ended up poking myself again on my ring finger - shaking my fingers, trying to milk them - bruised and then my number was 166. Double ugh. I do not want to see what Dr. Baker has to say. I've already decided not to go on meds right now. She's not likely to agree with that.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Trust - trust that God really is able and that He's faithful as I lean into Him.

Mud, mush and Mosquitos

Today's sermon was on Restful Sabaths. I'm looking forward to reading the book and incorporating some of the ideas into my Sundays. One of the ideas was to enjoy creation with a walk. Since I've been taking daily walks, that sounded wonderful. I thought about going to Fort Sheridan - walking by the lake would be awesome. Instead one of my sons suggested Ryerson Woods to look at the ravines. I thought I remembered a nice trail along the river so I was game. Unfortunately they've re-worked the trails and we had no idea where the old ones by the river were. We got on one but most of it was grass - or in a lot of places thick mud - mushing through my new $110 running shoes while fighting off loads of mosquitos. Not the relaxing walk I envisioned on my Sabath. In fact it reminded me of an old Andy Griffith show where they went to church, heard about resting on the Sabath and then spent the whole day fixing an old bandshell - definitely not relaxing. Guess you'd have to remember it with me.

Tonight I have my 2 hr. post prandial stick after dinner. I know people are praying - really God I only need one good drop.

Well I may be muddy but after all that walking, I'm also hungry. Time to find what might be worth the carbs and satisfying.

It's the weekend and a new month

May 1st - truly, where did this year go already! I've decided in my diabetes care that not only do I need to lean on God ever increasingly, but I need to continue to develop my support system and prayer partners. I've recruited several people for the next couple of weeks to pray for just one good drop - and that I will feel God's peace around the procedure I need to do each day. I'm not even looking at what the numbers are, just that I'm able to have the courage and peace to perform a good test so that I can gather data. This morning was a fasting test and it went better than it normally does - with a reading of 131. Tomorrow is another day - God and me in the bathroom with a lancet and test strips!

Yesterday I also weighed myself - which I really hadn't been doing at all for the last two years as I explored the Intuitive Eating concepts. Now with the diagnosis of diabetes, everyone is concerned with my weight - and specifically that it starts to decline and help my insulin resistance. So, I've pulled out my scale again and weigh myself every 2 weeks or so. This time it was down, the exercise and watching my carbs shows me that my body truly is resistant to all the carbs. Of course having daily Starbuck's White Chocolate mochas (venti of course) at 84g of carbs, may not have helped either my weight or blood glucose levels. Sure were yummy though! It's funny though, I've done alot of work on letting go of the concept that the scale judges who I am. You'd think that would translate to the glucose meter. It hasn't.

It's a new month - actually one month since I've received the diagnosis of diabetes officially. I've learned alot, I've had over 40 days where I've been watching my carbs and a couple of weeks where I've been poking myself and *trying* to get blood glucose readings. Time to take stock and continue to find my "new normal" and the path God wants me to follow. I know He has a plan for me and my life, a plan to prosper and not to harm me. Diabetes is a detour in learning about where I thought God was leading me, so time to find the road markers as we forge the new path together.