The first 100 days

Here's some random thoughts as I am now at 102 days into counting my carbs and exploring what life looks like with diabetes for me....

I've been recording carbs now for 102 days and have learned some things along the way - with a lot more to learn! Some random thoughts are.....

• That sticks do get better farther down the road are better - thanks for the prayers! I've learned some of the daily tricks like staging the strip in the meter but not pushing it in all the way until I stick myself so the time isn't ticking down, holding my finger down while I'm messing with the meter's strip so it has time to form a drop, making sure I approach the drop at an angle with the strip, knowing about the size of drop I need - and thanking God for each perfect one!
• Testing myself in pairs yields more clear information. For example testing myself pre-meal and then 2 hours pp lets me know about how much a rise there is so a 40 point rise or less is good - though a higher number pp could be because the fasting number was higher and not as much by the food always.
• It's annoying that strips - and different lots in strips - can vary as much as 20%. That just doesn't seem right when I have to poke myself, I want actual information and this seems like a rough approximation! It does help me step back and just look more for the trends - which is easier the more numbers you have.
• That walking - or other exercise - helps blunt spikes but I can't do it after every meal (once a day is about it!) so how does that translate to my A1C I wonder.
• That walking around the mall and realizing that I'll never be able to eat a huge Cinnabon with abandon (I could eat it and watch my numbers soar but that's not what I'm talking about!) is depressing.
• That eating 3 Dove promises for 15 carbs and sucking on them so they last can be very satisfying.
• That food choices really do make a difference with how much my blood sugar goes up - and a lot of time I have control over that.
• That my period, teeth being pulled, infections, etc can add up to blood sugar changes and there's not much control I have over that.
• That sometimes no matter how careful my choices were at a meal, that blood sugar numbers can just be wacky (one book blames it on the Blood Glucose fairy - dysfunctional relative of the tooth fairy!)
• That there's a lot of unknowns about what causes complications, and a lot of guilt out there about every number over (fill in the blank depending on who is talking) causing irreversible harm.
• That like so many things, this is a lifelong journey and numbers that have been high don't come down in a week (or two or three)
• That fasting numbers (that originally seemed to be just fine) are often the most stubborn to budge
• That a whole host of words I never knew or cared about - such a liver dump, neuropathy, control solution, etc. are now part of my daily lingo.
• YMMV (your mileage may vary) - which just about sums up everything!
• God is STILL and forever in control and works all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Toy Story 3 without popcorn

Yesterday we saw Toy Story 3 and I realized my life had changed. I could have had popcorn if I wanted to but would have had to count it in my carbs - no more eating a large bowl of popcorn, nachos or candy just because I wanted to. That makes me sad. I can see why I didn't lose weight. It's slow and not very exciting - and I can't do it the way I want to. I still have to exercise and eat less - whatever that less looks like. Right now it looks like less carbohydrates and more walking. I see a difference, I just don't know if the trade off of not eating what I want, when I want and how much I want was really worth it.

My fasting numbers have been in the 126 range lately. That's so weird to me because before I even started watching my food intake, my fasting was 102. That just doesn't make sense to me - but then alot about diabetes doesn't seem to make sense!

Typhoid

We have the live virus of Typhoid in our refrigerator for Ashley's upcoming trip to Kenya. Yikes! Never read the inserts for medicine that come with the package - I swear I'd hide under my bed and do nothing if I thought of ALL the what ifs that might happen. I know she's getting excited and nervous - all normal emotions I think.

Today I delve into the emotional realm once again with Sharon and EMDR. I don't look forward to it but it seems like grief - the only way is through it - you can't go around them. At least if I want any opportunity to leave a healthy life and the one God intended me to have.

Father's Day 2010

Happy Father's Day! We went to church and enjoyed worshiping together - and hearing Mike Singletary (dad of 7!), seeing dad old time cars and some of us enjoyed hot dogs and ice cream. Since it was only 10:30am and my snack time rather than my lunch time - that would not be me - I waited until I got home but hot dogs aren't on my biggy list either. I do miss my own dad - this will be the 4th year without him and it makes me sad.

Tonight we're doing salmon on the grill will sweet potato fries and broccoli - not my favorite meal but at least healthy. May do angel food cake with fruit for dessert which always reminds me of summer.

It's hot and humid - I need to walk but my toe is still sore from the shaving cream can fell on it and sliced it. Now that I'm diabetic I'm paranoid about my feet - like they got the diagnosis and decided to rebel! I need to take the bandaids off and check to make sure there's no infection but yucko.

Saw my brother and mom yesterday which was a nice visit. Seeing that he's had diabetes for 7 years already, he's a great resource for things like should I worry about sticking myself in different places (the answer is yes ;) I'm at 91 days and still have lots to learn.

Log book 2 - the second 90 days

Today I ended my first log book of carbs with day #90. 3 months. Isn't that the amount of time to make something a habit? I also tested my blood before dinner and it was 95 - awesome. Then went to test it 2 hours after to see what that number would be - and I couldn't get blood for anything. I first tested on the outer-side of my ring finger. Not even a full drop no matter what I did. Then I tested on the inner part of my ring finger where I almost always get enough - and no way. I tried everything and it was just runny and a smear - then an error. UGH. You'd think after testing for a while, I wouldn't still have that issue. Guess it keeps me humble and remembering that I'm not in control. In fact my EMDR session today focused on finding a phrase that felt right and fit with what I want to feel when I have my bloodtest instead of helpless. That would be "I'm ok just the way I am." It's an interesting process and once again learning to lean into the Lord rather than controlling it.

Evidence of God's power and majesty today was the HUGE storm that rolled in while I was coming out of Costco. It looked like a tornado blowing in, and by time it passed and I was able to head home - stoplights were out, limbs down, and generally a mess. Right now more are rolling in.

What if your best....

Another song that really speaks to me these days comes from FFH and is just beautiful. You can hear it at their website. The words go like this....

What If Your Best

Jeromy Deibler and Mia Fieldes

I'm trying hard to keep from falling off this wheel

Trying hard to keep so still

As you’re shaping, and remaking

Something new is bound to surface

Something bound to bring you fame

Something sure to make you great

Something you can use

But I am only clay and clay doesn't get to choose

I want your best but what if your best is brokenness

Would I be broken?

I want your best but what if less than what I ask

And what I'm hoping?

What if your best is here in the waiting, here in the going thru the motions?

I'll still be trusting all I am, and all have, and nothing less to Potter's hands

I'm trying hard to keep from giving you advice

It’s like teaching Shakespeare how to write

Or Monet, the way to paint another scene

But there's just something in this amateur that thinks

That my opinion's what you need

On how to work in me

But I am only clay, and clay probably shouldn't speak

Chorus

Take my life and let it be consecrated just to thee

Take my voice and let me sing for you my King

Take my moments and my days and let them flow in ceaseless praise

For You always, for You

Chorus

Only here for you to mould, I'm holding on, because I belong in Potter's hands

New Spring (ASCAP) / Schnickelfritz Music Publishing (ASCAP). All rights for the world on behalf of Schnickelfritz Music Publishing administered by New Spring. / Mia Fieldes/Shout! Publishing (adm in the US & Canada)

Potato Salad

Yummo. My hubby made a wonderful meal of potato salad and oven fried chicken from his runner's magazine (low fat but high carbs!) It was very good but I was worried about the spike on my blood glucose so we took a walk - and I only had one helping of what I hoped was the right portions. My two hour postprandial was only 100! That's after having what I often have at lunch - a sandwich with lite bread and some berries and it was 154! This diabetes stuff is so weird - and very much a lesson about leaning into God and not on my own understanding.

I was satisfied after dinner even though I didn't have as much as I would have normally had. Wondering how to work things on Sunday when we have the Greek-Roman simulation end party which usually has large dishes of pasta and some salads and lots of desserts. This is tough!

It's not the mom - it's the gym teacher!

I had my EMDR therapy appointment yesterday which was very interesting. We joke that in therapy, just blame everything on the mom. In fact my mom is a little touchy about it. Well, during my session it turns out it isn't all the mom - it's the gym teacher from elementary school! Who would have guessed? Turns out that my gym teacher, beyond being emotionally abusive was also the person who was standing over me when I fainted in the 5th grade cattle call of MMR shots. Very interesting. I'd picked the word/feeling "helpless" as what I felt when I got a blood test and now I can actually see how it fits. Hmm.

I need to make Ashley's appointment for the travel medicine place so that she can get her typhoid shot. Add to that her polio (recurring in Africa), Hep A and B, and taking Malaria pills - there's alot of foreign substances in her body right now!

Healthy Choice Chocolate popsicles are my new favorite dessert - very yummy and satisfying. I keep trying to find what I can eat that is satisfying to my soul as well - it's the only way that intuitive eating is still working - well beyond supernatural help from God that is! No way have I ever been able to stay with making healthy choices for my body this long without His help.

Home Sweet Home and Doctor visits

Home is always nice to come back to, though vacation was really, really nice! It's been hard to get back into the swing of not being able to walk all the time and having cooler weather so that I want to! This week we also started back to the doctor visits - today was Ashley's to get her Malaria pills for Kenya, tomorrow is my EMDR with the counselor and next Monday is John's follow up to the angiogram. Looks like not only an expensive year but a doctor filled one!

I took my pair of glucose monitorings before breakfast and after to see how things were going. It's a good thing since the difference was only 40 points - which is fine - but the postprandial number was 154. Had I not known my fasting was higher at 114, I'd really be bummed as I'm not below 140. But who do you listen to? Some sources say below 180, some say 140 and some say 110 if you really want control. Fasting seems to be under 100 or under 120 or 130. Make up your mind people!!

I've been listening to FFH alot since vacation - I love their new songs. I seem to really "hear" God through song, and creation - and his word! Read the latest Yada, Yada House of Hope book over vacation. Love that series!

Door County Vacation

We decided to take a small vacation to Door County since we couldn't find the time for a trip out west this year. Give me water and time to read on a porch in an adirondack chair - and I'm good! Give me the best cherry pie in Door County - and I'm even better! Sure wish I didn't have to travel with a glucose meter as well, but oh well, cherry pie is worth it. With the beautifully cool weather and all the walking we're doing, my levels have been good - except the 195 after a whole piece of cherry pie! Still worth it :) I've been trying to watch my carbs that don't satisfy me as much and enjoy the ones I do have. Even found at the Sister Bay coffee shop a latte that I could add Stevia to and really enjoy! Mostly I've found making the iced tea on our little deck to be enough, but the latte was a nice little treat - and only had to count the milk they added.

So far we've hit Sister Bay (where we're staying), Ephraim, Fish Creek (pronounced Crik) and Washington Island - which was basically closed! Still a wonderful time - especially the bay that consisted only of polished rocks - no sand. I could have stayed there all day just enjoying the beauty of God's creation!